Excerpt from "God and Sexuality: Truth & Relevance Without Compromise" (by Janet Boynes)My name is Davon Johnson and I am an overcomer. I have overcome sin. However, although I have overcome many different types of sin, there was one sin in particular that had a stronghold over my life, but I’m pleased to say I’m finally set free from—homosexuality.
I knew I wasn’t born gay. I was attracted to women exclusively up until the age of 13. But one sexual encounter in the seventh grade changed that. I was molested—not just by anyone, but by a family relative—a male cousin. Since it was the first time I was exposed to sexual behavior at that level, it was a very uncomfortable experience for me. I was nervous. Traumatized. I felt afraid. Violated. But the consecutive molestations that took place after that began to numb those convictions. After being molested repeatedly from one weekend visit to another, I went from being turned off, to being turned on, to eventually being turned out. I became so conditioned, I even transitioned from being a helpless victim to being a consensual participant during the sex acts. The molestations weren’t the only thing that caused me to develop same sex desires. Porn addiction played a huge role in fueling my lust for men as well. Porn subconsciously forced me to pay closer attention to the anatomy of a man—their sturdy stature, their chiseled muscles, their smooth and clean-shaven skin, their oversized genitalia, their charming smiles. I admired the men who I saw on the screen and would often compare my body with theirs. Yet, because I wasn’t careful to guard my heart, my admiration for these men perverted into an infatuation for them. I began to create fantasies in my mind about the male actors on set. I didn’t just want to possess their unique physical qualities—I wanted to possess them, period. As if being molested by a man and becoming addicted to gay porn wasn’t enough, the constant, piercing rejection I received from women my whole life was icing on the cake. That led me further down the path of homosexuality. I was led to believe that I wasn’t what women wanted in a man because I didn’t have buff muscles, dreads, tattoos, swag and money. But other men, on the other hand, seemed to accept me more unconditionally. They would call me cute, fine and sexy through emails. They would offer to take me out on dates, buy nice things for me, and knew how to rub me the right way. They made me feel wanted, accepted and loved, which boosted up my self-esteem, carnally, but brought great warfare to me, spiritually. I was conflicted in my soul, because I didn’t understand how the lifestyle I was indulging in could produce in me both pleasure and guilt at the same time. Years later, I came to find out that God would not allow me to become fully comfortable in the homosexual lifestyle because that wasn’t his original plan for my life. Although I experienced many fun and pleasurable moments during my random, down low affairs with other men, not a single encounter could take away the feelings of guilt, shame, regret, remorse, self-condemnation, hypocrisy, depression, and hopelessness I felt. I was always left feeling unhappy, unsatisfied and unfulfilled afterward. Soon, the convictions that were numbed out earlier on in my life began to come back even stronger. I wanted to live a guilt-free life again. A life of sexual purity. A life of victory. A life of redemption. A life that glorified God. So I accepted Jesus into my life as my lord and savior. Jesus has since taught me how to find love, identity, purpose, acceptance, affirmation and forgiveness in Him—not in other people, places or things. He has helped me to overcome my 10 year addiction to pornography, taught me how to have self-control over my body and how to say no to sexual advances made toward me. Furthermore, he has exchanged my preference for men with a preference for a wife. I am now married as of June 28, 2014 to my virtuous wife, Deborah Johnson. I am free. And I’m not going back to bondage.
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Excerpt from "Poised To Protect: Helping Our Children Navigate Sexuality in the 21st Century" (by Nakisha Thomas)I was born out of wedlock, and as a result, I wasn’t afforded the opportunity of having an ideal family. An intermittent relationship between my two parents prevented me from establishing a consistent relationship with my biological father, and the only other man who was willing to take me in as his own son and whom I looked up to as my father-figure was stripped away from me and taken to prison when I was only two years old. So, here I was, left to be raised by a single-parent mother. My mother wasn’t perfect, but she filled in the void to the best of her ability. By any means necessary, she provided for me. Witnessing how my mother was able to provide me with all the essentials, I didn’t see the necessity of needing a father-figure in my life. What did I need a father for when my mother could do everything by herself? As far as I was concerned, my mother was both my mother and my father. This was my reality. A lot of my mother’s ways began to rub off on me. Growing up, as far as my gender was concerned, I knew that I was born genetically and biologically male. And as far as my gender identity, I never mentally perceived myself to be transgendered, or a girl that was born into a boy’s body. I fully accepted myself psychologically as a male. Regarding my sexual identity, I was exclusively attracted to girls since as early as I can remember, so I knew I was heterosexual. The only battle I really faced was with my gender roles. Because of the predominant influence of women in my life—namely my mother and my best friend during childhood, which so happened to be a girl—I took on more socially feminine gender roles and attributes. I was very sensitive and in touch with my feelings. I was very communicative and relational. Instead of working underneath the hood of a car, I preferred washing dishes. Rather than playing sports, I preferred coloring books, drawing, and creative writing. I feared getting injured and didn’t like sweating or getting dirty, so I would rather stay inside. Not saying that any of these things are somehow wrong or immoral for a male to experience, but it’s just not the social norm; These character traits, behaviors and hobbies are just stereotypically considered to be more feminine. Although I knew I wasn’t a girl, oftentimes, I liked to pretend as if I were by playing around with girly things. I remember when I would try on my mother’s make -up, bra and panties, heels, or her clear, top-coat nail polish. I would try to imitate being a woman by trying on my mother’s wigs or by placing a t-shirt over my head and pretending that it was long hair. Because I took on more feminine gender roles, I was negatively labeled by friends, family members and other members in society as being: a sissy, a punk, soft, weak, and a mama’s boy. Whenever I would suck my teeth, role my eyes, pop my tongue, cross my legs when I sit, fling my wrist, or put my hands on my waist, my mother would always tell me, “Davon, I did not raise you up to be a sissy or a punk. We don’t have those in our family. I gave birth to a boy, not a girl.” My mother even threatened to beat me if she ever found out that I had a same-sex encounter or if I ever allowed another male to touch me inappropriately. Being threatened in this manner by my mother only instilled fear in me—a fear that confirmed I would never be able to open up and share anything personal with her, or I would get in trouble for it. So from that moment on, I kept everything a secret from her. I believe my mother feared that my effeminacy was a sign of homosexuality . However, entering into adolescence and being called fruity, faggot, queer and gay in high school caused me to question my sexual identity. I was not attracted to other males, but everyone was calling me gay because of my mannerisms. I began to think to myself, “Am I gay? Because if it weren’t true, then everyone wouldn’t be telling me that I am.” I never fully embraced a homosexual identity, because something deep down inside of me told me that wasn’t who or what I was, but since friends in school kept teasing me by calling me gay, I began play along with it by making gay gestures and gay jokes. What I thought was innocent horseplay became a conditioned behavior. I was restricted to hanging out and having sleepovers with my male classmates from school, male friends from the neighborhood or my male cousins. Therefore, since most of my interactions and time was spent with other boys, I naturally began to develop a social and emotional bond with my male counterparts. We spent our time either playing inside with action figures, board games or video games, or outside riding bikes or adventuring through the woods. Being huge fans of the WWF, me and the guys I hung out with would often attempt to imitate the wrestling moves we saw on TV. But somehow, grappling turned into groping, and wrestling turned into foreplay. After playing around with other guys on what seemed to be an innocent, yet physical and intimate level, I noticed that I started to become aroused every time we would touch each other. Because I was a teen entering into adolescence, physical touch began to awaken my sexual desire. I never knew that these feelings I was having for other guys were wrong. Since they were developing quite naturally, I thought they were normal. I was still into girls, though, and had been secretly crushing on them my whole life. But in high school, I grew a little boldness to actually initiate interactions and flirt with them. But for some reason, around this time, girls started to raise the standard when it came to their ‘type’ or ‘preferences’ in a guy. And unfortunately, I didn’t seem to make the cut. Girls started to say things to me like, “You’re trying too hard,” “You’re too desperate,” “You’re soo annoying and aggravating,” “You’re not my type.” I feared that I wasn’t their type because I didn’t have tattoos, long dreadlocks, chiseled muscles, money in the bank, I didn’t have enough swag, or because my personality/demeanor wasn’t manly/thuggish enough. I was placed in the BFF zone by most girls. My self-esteem and confidence began to crash. I began to dislike girls. I saw them as being vain and conceited, gold diggers, too materialistic, too clingy, too needy, too fragile, too emotional, too dramatic. Around the same time, I began to get many compliments from guys when out in public, at school and even online on social networking sites, who were telling me that I was attractive, cute, fine or sexy. I didn’t hear compliments like this that often from girls, so for another guy to acknowledge me and be persistent in his efforts to communicate how he felt about me, I knew there had to be something interesting or special about me. I fed off of the compliments from men. It revived my self-esteem and self-confidence. Since women rejected me when I pursued them and since they wouldn’t pursue after me, it felt good to have other men pursue me and want to take me out on dates and buy things for me. I even noticed how much easier it was for me to hook up with another guy than it was to hook up with a girl. I wanted attention, acceptance, affection and affirmation, and guys knew exactly what to say, and in some cases, they knew exactly what to do, to give it to me. I began to grow BICURIOUS and started indulging in sexualized activities with guys . I felt guilty, shameful, regretful, hypocritical, depressed, worthless, unfulfilled and dirty after every sexual experience with a man, because something deep down inside of me kept telling me that the sexual encounters I was having was wrong. I used the rejection I received from women, the childhood sexual abuse, molestations, and sexual harassments I received from men, and peer pressure as a crutch and an excuse as to why I began to cleave more to men. But deep down inside, what I was really looking for was love. Perceiving how unsupportive and distraught my mother would be if she were to ever find out that I had been molested or participated in same-sex behavior, I kept it as a secret from her. Freshman year was the first time I had ever done research on “sexual orientation.” I found out that liking boys made me HOMOSEXUAL. But I also liked girls, so that would have made me BISEXUAL. As much as I hated being labeled, if anything, I just wanted to be STRAIGHT. However, since I didn’t fit the definition of a straight person but didn’t want to openly or personally identify myself as being gay or bi, I just went on what many call the DOWN LOW instead. If anyone were to ask, I would identify myself to be straight, but deep down inside, I had these bisexual desires. I was too afraid to physically act on my sexual urges for women, though, so I fulfilled my fantasy through watching pornography. Porn accompanied with masturbation was my only known method for practicing safe sex. It was the only way that I knew for certain that I wouldn’t get a girl pregnant or contract a sexually transmitted disease. It started out with me watching straight porn, but then I eventually discovered gay porn. This sparked a new sexual fantasy in me and further helped me to remain on the down low when it came to my attraction for other guys. Not wanting to be in an openly gay relationship, let alone be associated with gay friends out of my fear of being “outed” by one of them or discovered by anyone else, gay porn became my safe haven. But one day, after a friend from college showed me a few passages in the Bible, I learned for the first time in my life that homosexuality wasn’t just socially taboo or unacceptable, it was also a sin in the eyes of God, against the order of creation, and those who practice homosexuality as a lifestyle will not inherit the kingdom of God. I, therefore, began to try to purge myself of my homo/bisexual desires. I tried everything from changing the way I walked, the way I talked, the way I dressed and the way I stood. I tried to flirt with, lust after and date as many girls as I could to prove my heterosexuality, my masculinity and my manhood. But then God saw how CONFUSED I was, so he stepped into my life. He taught me that my primary focus shouldn’t be on trying to become straight because gay people aren’t the only ones who will perish if they don’t repent. Straight people go to hell, too. God taught me that the only orientation we should have is HOLINESS, for without holiness, no one shall see the Lord.I discovered my true purpose, which was not in living for a man or woman, but in living for the glory of God. God eventually led me to come out to my mother one day, and I told her about my past molestations and struggle with homosexuality. I came out to her, not as openly gay, but as someone who was openly pursuing deliverance. I thought she would beat me, yell at me, disown me or look down on me with contempt. But her response shocked me. She told me that she already knew about my struggle because as a mother, she has a sixth sense and could discern that I struggled with homosexuality. Her suspicions came, not only from my effeminate behavior as a young boy, but also from the life of secrecy I lived and from the defensive responses I gave her whenever she would ask me questions concerning my personal life. She expressed to me that she wasn’t approving of the gay lifestyle because it was not of God, but that she loved me unconditionally because I was her son and that she would support me in my deliverance. The day I came out to my mom and received her love and support was the first step and a major breakthrough leading up to my deliverance. Davon Johnson is now sharing his story and ministering to others in need through his ministry Transparent for Christ Movement. He is also a promoter for God Over Porn Ministries. God has also blessed Davon to find his “good thing” and he is now a husband to his partner in life and ministry Deborah Johnson. You can visit his website at: www://transparentforchrist.com/ Excerpt from "The Best Sex of My Life: Confessions of a Sexual Purity Revolution" (by: Lindsay Marsh Warren)The door was left unlocked, and I accidently walked in on my mom having sex. Then, from one traumatic experience to the next, I caught myself, one weekend, being fondled in a dark room during a round of Truth or Dare by my best friend’s oldest sister. Sometime afterwards, I discovered a Playboy magazine while snooping around someone else’s house. I later began to emulate these experiences through “dry-humping,” “fingering” and by playing “house” with other kids from my neighborhood. Not even reaching the age of puberty, I became sexually active before the end of fifth grade.
After being introduced to cinematic porn and masturbation in middle school, I quickly picked up on another horrible addiction. I would constantly sneak into my parent’s bedroom late at night while they were asleep to borrow their VHS tapes and DVDs, watch them in my room, and then return them before they woke up. Since there were limited flicks available to me, I had to watch the same ones over and over, which caused me to become desensitized to them. I felt like I had to go even deeper into porn to get the same gratification I received the first time. So I turned to the internet. With unlimited access to the World Wide Web, I went from watching heterosexual porn, to threesomes, to lesbianism, to hentai [cartoon porn], and ultimately, to gay black porn, commonly known as “ebony.” Porn became my sexual junk food—My fantasy world. There were no holds barred in the flicks. They did things I was unwilling to do because of my fear of experiencing pain, contracting a disease or getting a girl pregnant. So I decided to just watch the pros and imagine as if I was one of the stars on the set. Masturbation became my only known method for practicing safe sex. Throughout my teen years, I was seduced by several different guys into committing sexual acts with them. I was hesitant, felt extremely uncomfortable and told them no at first, but because I felt hopelessly peer pressured, because I wanted to be accepted, and because of my own bi-curiosity, I eventually gave in to their requests as each one of them promised that I wouldn’t have to do anything—that they’ll do all the work. My spirit told me not to do any of the things I was doing because it was wrong, but my heart and my feelings told me to just give in because it felt good. At the same time, my body lacked any self-control to make the right decision at the moment. Reality dating shows on MTV such as Tila Tequila's Shot at Love and gay episodes of Next! made me more inquisitive about the bisexual lifestyle. I wasn't GAY though; at least that’s what I told myself. No, in fact, I was so afraid of being labeled with titles, burdened down with the shame and guilt of my indecent acts and too prideful to allow my good reputation to be tarnished, that I would have never professed with my mouth that I was gay, bi, or even D.L. To get questioning people off of my back, to protect my sense of masculinity and to make the doubt and convictions in my heart numb down, I always classified as straight. It wasn't really about my orientation. It was only about my gratification. I simply wanted to yield to the desires of my flesh. Whether male or female, I just wanted to be with somebody--anyone who I could develop chemistry with--anyone who would make me feel good for that moment and who would fulfill that lonely, broken and utterly dark void in my heart. I learned that when you are controlled or living by your sinful nature, there is no level of perversion or wickedness in which you can’t go to. Lust is never satisfied, and therefore, anything is possible and bound to happen to you when you don’t live for God and make his holy Word the standards for your life. However, I didn't plan on coming to college in the fall of 2008 to get saved and come into right standings with God, because as long as I didn't murder anyone, I didn't find anything really "sinful" about what I was doing. I didn't want to surrender to Christ just yet because I knew that if I did, I would have to give up the things that gave me pleasure. And for the things that my conscious deemed wrong, I didn’t want to confirm my convictions by reading what the Bible had to say about it, because I would then be held accountable to the knowledge of the truth. But eventually, God’s unconditional love came knocking at the door of my heart, and I could no longer lock him out. At age 18, I died to self and surrendered my life to Jesus. Oh, and that that lonely, broken and utterly dark void I had in my heart—Christ fulfilled it. Testimonies of ex-homosexuals such as Pastor Donnie McClurkin, Pastor D.L. Foster and Poet Jackie Hill have really encouraged me to seek deliverance from the lifestyle I was in. There is no love in homosexuality. Love is only found in Christ. EX-Porn Star Shelley Lubben has also helped me to overcome my addiction to pornography. Through her deliverance ministry, the Pink Cross Foundation, I’ve learned what truly goes on behind the scenes of a porn set and it’s not glamorous at all. Now 22, God has given me a renewed mind towards sin. I’m learning to hate what he hates and to love what he loves, which is holiness. Temptation is still all around me, but now I desire to remain faithful to the one who has died for my sins and saved my soul from self-demoralization and eternal damnation. God has since given me a beautiful fiancée who accepts my past as well as my new, redeemed life in Christ, a powerful testimony and a heart of compassion to help others find hope for deliverance. I’ve crossed over from darkness into light, and I’ve forsaken my perversions for purity. I’m glad that accepting the truth of God’s Word has set me free from my bondage and has set me on the straight and narrow path to fulfill my God-ordained purpose! |
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